G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Directed by Stephen Sommers

Story by Michael Gordon and Stuart Beattie & Stephen Sommers

Screenplay by Stuart Beattie and David Elliott & Paul Lovett

Stars: Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller, Dennis Quaid, Ray Park, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Christopher Eccleston, Byung-hun Lee, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Rachel Nichols, Saïd Taghmaoui, Arnold Vosloo and Jonathan Pryce

I have decided recently that I want to see the dumb action movies, because I hate being disappointed with "good films". My bottom ten list for last year was more disappoints than actual shit films. Movies the young, dumb and full of fun. One of those movies was G.I. Joe: Retaliation. Not seeing the first film, I wanted to have a "clear" understanding of what the hell would happen when it opens.

Every American boy grew up with having the cartoons on. The live action version deals with an arms dealer, McCullen (Eccleston) that wants to weaponize nanomite technology in order to take over the world. Duke Hauser (Tatum) is on a military assignment with Ripcord (Wayans) to escort the nanomites when it was interrupted by Cobra. Duke and Ripcord fall into the G.I. Joes, a convert government organization that wants to stop McCullen.

I wanted to turn off my brain to watch this movie, but I couldn't. The G.I. Joe initiative is supposed to be the best of the best the military have to offer. The Cobra could easily fool the Joes is the stupidest ways possible. Do we the need to see the flashbacks? Seriously? The love backstory between The Baroness (Miller) and Duke was nauseating to say the least.

I can enjoy a big, dumb action film, but it seems the story is lazy. You cannot tell if people were in on the joke that it is a movie that it based on Hasbro toy line and cartoon. The only one that didn't take it seriously was JoGo as The Doctor.

My Rating

Nominate Me!

Hello, readers.

It has been my mission ever since I jointed the LAMB in February 2009 was to get a LAMMY nomination. Sadly, that has not happened. I was in consideration for a couple of award, but not getting a nomination.

This is where you; my loyal readers come in. I want you to go here and put the name of my website in the following categories: Best Ratings System and Best Meme/Blog-a-thon. I didn't want to spread myself too thing with the other categories.

Being the Susan Lucci of bloggers, I am counting on you to at least get me a nomination. Blog, tweet, Facebook this post.

Immortals

Immortals (2011)

Directed by Tarsem Singh

Screenplay by Charley Parlapanides and Vlas Parlapanides 
 
Stars: Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, Freida Pinto, Stephen Dorff, Joseph Morgan, Luke Evans, Isabel Lucas, Kellan Lutz and John Hurt

After seeing gratuitous ass shots of Kellan Lutz from his upcoming movie Java Heat, the desire to see Immortals grew. Do not ask how my mind works. Just go with it. There was the desire to see the film when it came out on 11-11-11, but it happened on my hiatus from movie watching. Seeing the movie now, the adage goes: all style, no substance.

Taking place at a time where the gods rules and mankind are left to fend for themselves. The story has been done before with the chosen one, Theseus (Cavill), a peasant that has a higher calling. There is an evil king, Hyperion (Rourke) that is seeking a weapon that has the power to destroy the gods, The Epirus Bow. The virgin oracle, Phaedra (Pinto), foretells that the paths between Theseus and Hyperion would clash in an epic battle of the ages.

With my limited knowledge on Greek mythology, the story of this movie was bland to put it mildly. The movie reminded me of the remake of Clash of the Titans. It was the same story about about a demigod that refuses his birthright to mope around Greece for most of the movie until it is their time to fulfill their destiny. It seems that Hollywood is running out of ideas. Rehashing the same tired concepts with different sickeningly buffed and oily slick men. Yamn! Bored.

Having seen a couple of Tarsem's films, it seems that he is focused on the aesthetic of the film instead of the most important thing, the dialogue. It seem hackneyed. The motivations of the characters are mystery to me. You have the gods on Mount Olympus talking to each other and you have no idea who the hell any of them are. Why should you care? There is something about the fight scenes seemed off to me. It was like the fight scenes were rehearsal footage. It seemed like the actors were in a choreographed dance instead of fight. The fighting was as lackluster as the one on one combat in The Dark Knight Rises.

My expectations of this movie was supposed to be frivolous fun with bronzed gods, but it was just the Exxon-Valdez onscreen.

My Rating

What's Your Number?

What's Your Number? (2011)

Directed by Mark Mylod

Screenplay by Gabrielle Allan & Jennifer Crittenden

Based on the novel, "20 Times a Lady" by Karyn Bosnak

Stars: Anna Faris, Chris Evans, Ari Graynor, Blythe Danner, Ed Begley Jr, Heather Burns, Eliza Coupe, Kate Simes, Tika Sumpter and Joel McHale

Being that I am home-bound because of a certain eye infection, I need to have something to watch so I chose What's Your Number? I wanted to see a shitty movie with some eye candy. The movie was OnDemand for months now and I chose it. That's basically what it is.

Ally (Faris) is a marketing executive that is canned by her pervy boss, Roger (McHale) that loves her own smells. Trying to find her way in the world, she sees an article in a woman's magazine about the number of sexual partners the average woman has. The average is 10.5. What the fuck is the half? A dwarf? She recounts her partners which was 20. One of her friends suggests that after 20 chances are that she would not get married. She goes on a crusade to track down every guy that she has slept with to see if they were the one that got away.

Let's cut the bullshit here. As with every cookie cutter romantic comedy there a guy in this case the man slut next door neighbor, Colin (Evans) and the romantically challenged girl that they have some contrived instances that will not make them hook up immediately. One person is love with a third person or that they would have some emotional love block. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

You want to know my number? My number is 106. 106 minutes taken from my life. Why waste my time with a movie that everybody and there mama knows that boy and girl are gonna get together at the end? Cut the filler. Watching this movie plot along was excruciating to watch and tedious to my psyche.

Show the audience something different, Hollywood. We are getting fucking bored of the same premise with interchangeable parts.

My Rating