Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Bottom Ten Films of 2012

I know. I know that I am late to the party, but I follow the same rules as the Academy. Most movies nominated don't come out or go into wide release until January into February. I wanted to see all the films to make my final judgments. Trying to avoid to the awful didn't mean that I didn't see the eventual shitacular assaults to my eyeballs. Here are my bottom ten films of 2012:


The Grey

When I heard the Film Junk tauting this movie as one of the best movies of the year back in June, I wanted to see what the fuss was about. About five minutes into the movie, I knew what was going to happen and the big revelation at the end. There were some fucking annoying characters that I wanted glad became wolf food. I enjoyed their misery the characters went through to make up for mine watching this dreck.


Les Misérables

Words cannot describe how much I fucking hated this movie. Not all of the movie, but most of it. Excluding, Anne Hathaway and Samantha Barks, the movie was garbage. I cannot believe that a story about a man doing hard labor for stealing a fucking loaf of bread would be turned into a 2 1/2 hours musical with bland musical numbers Russell Crowe's guttural voice and the mediocre plot. My gay card might be revoked. I don't care.


The Bourne Legacy

Call me Miss Cleo, because I was telling Dan from Dan the Man's Movie Reviews that I thought this movie was going to suck elephant balls. I was right. Holy shit! Who wants to see a movie that was a rehash of The Bourne Ultanium but with generic version of Jason Bourne with whatever the fuck his name is. It was dull. So dull that I wanted to rip my fingernails off one by one with rusty pliers.


Red Tails

After taking the whole 2011 year off from watching movie, I started off 2012 with watching this bad Hallmark movie that somehow made it to the big screen. Don't get me wrong. I am proud of what the Tuskegee Airmen did in WWII and black pilots in general. It seems that the movie was dripping in so much syrup that you would into diabetic shock. 


The Dark Knight Rises

Going into the movie, I did not have the highest of expectations. In this nearly three hour miasma, I was pissed off that people were giving this movie praise. Are you kidding me? Are you high? The plot did not make sense. Christopher Nolan ending the Batman franchise is a good thing so we don't have to sit through another godawful Bruce Wayne flick. Back to the drawing board, Nolan. 



Just because you can sing doesn't mean that you can act. I'm talking to you, Jordin Sparks. That's right. I said it. Sparkle felt like a bad after school special that hit the usual tropes of drugs, spousal abuse and premartial sex. Even the late great Whitney Houston could not save the film with the largest life preserver.


Total Recall 

I think I must have baked out of my mind when I give this movie a pass when I reviewed. Previous knowledge of the original film was a major strike against this film. The logic of this film does not make sense. A generic "bad guy". Some weird fucking hand palm phone. Say what? That big elevator going through the Earth's core and not burning the fuck up is beyond me.


Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

Here is a movie that was a campy read to me. No idea why someone would make a movie out of it. Changing situations of the film into a generic action flick with a bad guy that was a reject from True Blood. What the shit was up with the runaway train sequence? It was forgettable trash that needs to be in the same landfill as the ET video game.



Oh, yes. I am going there. I have a love/hate with Steven Spielberg movies. Sometimes I believe that he make movies for the sole purpose to win Oscars *cough* Ron Howard *cough*. The movie was so fucking boring that I fell alseep. Nothing fucking happened in the movie. Again, I am grateful that the 13th Amendment was passed to free my ancestors, but the movie should have been called "13th Amedent". Lincoln was barely in it.


The Amazing Spider-Man 

Holy fuck balls was this movie awful. What braindead stuido hotshot decided to make another fucking origin story that everybody and their mama knew about? Sony tried so desperate to be different the original Spider-Man to make a watered down version of the same goddamn story. The Lizard? What the fuck was that? "Turning the cranes" should be the next "nuke the fridge". Just leave well enough alone.

And there you have ladies and gentlemen, the ten worst films of the year according to me. This my opinion and mine opinion alone. If you don't like it, well, tough shit. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to wash bile out of my mouth. 

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