G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Directed by Stephen Sommers

Story by Michael Gordon and Stuart Beattie & Stephen Sommers

Screenplay by Stuart Beattie and David Elliott & Paul Lovett

Stars: Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller, Dennis Quaid, Ray Park, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Christopher Eccleston, Byung-hun Lee, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Rachel Nichols, Saïd Taghmaoui, Arnold Vosloo and Jonathan Pryce

I have decided recently that I want to see the dumb action movies, because I hate being disappointed with "good films". My bottom ten list for last year was more disappoints than actual shit films. Movies the young, dumb and full of fun. One of those movies was G.I. Joe: Retaliation. Not seeing the first film, I wanted to have a "clear" understanding of what the hell would happen when it opens.

Every American boy grew up with having the cartoons on. The live action version deals with an arms dealer, McCullen (Eccleston) that wants to weaponize nanomite technology in order to take over the world. Duke Hauser (Tatum) is on a military assignment with Ripcord (Wayans) to escort the nanomites when it was interrupted by Cobra. Duke and Ripcord fall into the G.I. Joes, a convert government organization that wants to stop McCullen.

I wanted to turn off my brain to watch this movie, but I couldn't. The G.I. Joe initiative is supposed to be the best of the best the military have to offer. The Cobra could easily fool the Joes is the stupidest ways possible. Do we the need to see the flashbacks? Seriously? The love backstory between The Baroness (Miller) and Duke was nauseating to say the least.

I can enjoy a big, dumb action film, but it seems the story is lazy. You cannot tell if people were in on the joke that it is a movie that it based on Hasbro toy line and cartoon. The only one that didn't take it seriously was JoGo as The Doctor.

My Rating

Nominate Me!

Hello, readers.

It has been my mission ever since I jointed the LAMB in February 2009 was to get a LAMMY nomination. Sadly, that has not happened. I was in consideration for a couple of award, but not getting a nomination.

This is where you; my loyal readers come in. I want you to go here and put the name of my website in the following categories: Best Ratings System and Best Meme/Blog-a-thon. I didn't want to spread myself too thing with the other categories.

Being the Susan Lucci of bloggers, I am counting on you to at least get me a nomination. Blog, tweet, Facebook this post.

Immortals

Immortals (2011)

Directed by Tarsem Singh

Screenplay by Charley Parlapanides and Vlas Parlapanides 
 
Stars: Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, Freida Pinto, Stephen Dorff, Joseph Morgan, Luke Evans, Isabel Lucas, Kellan Lutz and John Hurt

After seeing gratuitous ass shots of Kellan Lutz from his upcoming movie Java Heat, the desire to see Immortals grew. Do not ask how my mind works. Just go with it. There was the desire to see the film when it came out on 11-11-11, but it happened on my hiatus from movie watching. Seeing the movie now, the adage goes: all style, no substance.

Taking place at a time where the gods rules and mankind are left to fend for themselves. The story has been done before with the chosen one, Theseus (Cavill), a peasant that has a higher calling. There is an evil king, Hyperion (Rourke) that is seeking a weapon that has the power to destroy the gods, The Epirus Bow. The virgin oracle, Phaedra (Pinto), foretells that the paths between Theseus and Hyperion would clash in an epic battle of the ages.

With my limited knowledge on Greek mythology, the story of this movie was bland to put it mildly. The movie reminded me of the remake of Clash of the Titans. It was the same story about about a demigod that refuses his birthright to mope around Greece for most of the movie until it is their time to fulfill their destiny. It seems that Hollywood is running out of ideas. Rehashing the same tired concepts with different sickeningly buffed and oily slick men. Yamn! Bored.

Having seen a couple of Tarsem's films, it seems that he is focused on the aesthetic of the film instead of the most important thing, the dialogue. It seem hackneyed. The motivations of the characters are mystery to me. You have the gods on Mount Olympus talking to each other and you have no idea who the hell any of them are. Why should you care? There is something about the fight scenes seemed off to me. It was like the fight scenes were rehearsal footage. It seemed like the actors were in a choreographed dance instead of fight. The fighting was as lackluster as the one on one combat in The Dark Knight Rises.

My expectations of this movie was supposed to be frivolous fun with bronzed gods, but it was just the Exxon-Valdez onscreen.

My Rating

What's Your Number?

What's Your Number? (2011)

Directed by Mark Mylod

Screenplay by Gabrielle Allan & Jennifer Crittenden

Based on the novel, "20 Times a Lady" by Karyn Bosnak

Stars: Anna Faris, Chris Evans, Ari Graynor, Blythe Danner, Ed Begley Jr, Heather Burns, Eliza Coupe, Kate Simes, Tika Sumpter and Joel McHale

Being that I am home-bound because of a certain eye infection, I need to have something to watch so I chose What's Your Number? I wanted to see a shitty movie with some eye candy. The movie was OnDemand for months now and I chose it. That's basically what it is.

Ally (Faris) is a marketing executive that is canned by her pervy boss, Roger (McHale) that loves her own smells. Trying to find her way in the world, she sees an article in a woman's magazine about the number of sexual partners the average woman has. The average is 10.5. What the fuck is the half? A dwarf? She recounts her partners which was 20. One of her friends suggests that after 20 chances are that she would not get married. She goes on a crusade to track down every guy that she has slept with to see if they were the one that got away.

Let's cut the bullshit here. As with every cookie cutter romantic comedy there a guy in this case the man slut next door neighbor, Colin (Evans) and the romantically challenged girl that they have some contrived instances that will not make them hook up immediately. One person is love with a third person or that they would have some emotional love block. Yadda, yadda, yadda.

You want to know my number? My number is 106. 106 minutes taken from my life. Why waste my time with a movie that everybody and there mama knows that boy and girl are gonna get together at the end? Cut the filler. Watching this movie plot along was excruciating to watch and tedious to my psyche.

Show the audience something different, Hollywood. We are getting fucking bored of the same premise with interchangeable parts.

My Rating

The 2013 Omie Award Winners

 

I am sure that twenty of you are eagerly anticipating the winners of the 2013 Omie Awards. Without further ado, here are the winners:

The Omie Award for Most Deserving Picture goes to…

for creating a story about innocent love between two boys,

"North Sea Texas." Producers: Luc Roggen and Yves Verbraeken

The Omie Award for Most Deserving Director goes to…

for bringing the coming of age story to the screen,

Bavo Defurne, "North Sea Texas"

The Omie Award for Most Deserving Actor goes to…

for portraying a police detective that moonlights as a contract killer, Killer Joe Cooper,

Matthew McConaughey, "Killer Joe"

The Omie Award for Most Deserving Actress goes to…

for portraying the titular Tolstoy heroine torn between wifely duty and forbidden love, Anna Karenina,

Keira Knightley, "Anna Karenina"

The Omie Award for Most Deserving Supporting Actor goes to…

for portraying a dastardly slave owner that wants to keep his "property", Calvin Candie,

Leonardo DiCaprio, "Django Unchained"

The Omie Award for Most Deserving Supporting Actress goes to…

for portraying a girl that professes her love to a boy that doesn't reciprocate, Éponine,

Samantha Barks, "Les Misérables"

The Omie Award for Most Deserving Original Song goes to…

  

for making a song about lost love into a song to find another love,

"The Big Machine" from "Safety Not Guaranteed"


The Omie Award for Most Deserving Foreign Language Film goes to…

a film about the epic clash between mobsters and the policemen trying to stop them, 

"The Raid: Redemption". Director: Gareth Evans.

The Omie Award for Most Deserving Animated Feature goes to…

a animated retelling of classic fables into an action hero team,

"Rise of the Guardians". Director:  Peter Ramsey

 

The Omie Award for Most Deserving Original Screenplay goes to…

a film that poses fun of typical horror movie tropes with a twist,

"The Cabin in the Woods." Written by Joss Whedon and Drew Goddard

The Omie Award for Most Deserving Adapted Screenplay goes to…

winning their third Omie Award,

"North Sea Texas." Written by Bavo Defurne and Yves Verbraeken. Based on the novel,
"Nooit gaat dit over" by André Sollie

The Omie Award for Most Deserving Documentary goes to…

(another four way tie)

for showing the blunt reality of millions of students lives every day,

"Bully". Producers: Lee Hirsch and Cynthia Lowen

for shedding light on a young Frenchman preying on a grieving Texas family,

"The Imposter". Producer: Dimitri Doganis

for showing the precision skill of sushi master, Jiro Ono,

"Jiro Dreams of Sushi". Producer: Kevin Iwashina and Tom Pelligrini

for bringing the life of AIDS activist, Vito Russo to the masses,

 "Vito". Producer: Jeffrey Schwarz

And for the granddaddy of them all, The Suck-It! Award goes to…

for a boring movie about a guy on the lam for stealing fucking bread,

"Les Misérables" nominated for Best Picture

And there you have it folks. I want to thank everyone for voting, especially for Bernardo from The Movie Rat for the nomination of North Sea Texas that it could dominate the awards. Until next year...

Top Ten Films of 2012

Now that I flushed cinematic shit out of my system, I want to praise some movies that tugged at my heartstrings and made me want to tell everyone I know to see them. Here are my top ten films of 2012:

10

Seven Psychopaths

Going into this movie, I wasn't surprised that there was going to a philosophical message in it. It was like that with Colin Farell's first collaboration with Martin McDonagh in In Bruges. What surprised me the most in the meta aspect of the film. The movie could have been like McDonagh's version of Adaptation. The movie was funny and thought provoking with stand alone performances by Sam Rockwell and Chris Walken.

9

Skyfall 

People have some hate for this movie. People say that it's overrated. This movie hearkens back to Casino Royale and makes us forget about Quantum of Solace. Sure the movie is fan service for the 50th anniversary of the Bond franchise, but I loved every minute of it. Great action, performances and the Home Alone aspect made it kitchy.

8

Killer Joe

I have never had so much fun with an NC-17 film ever. Usually, those films have brutal dramatic scenes. This had those, but the movie shows a change in Matthew McConaughey. He is not doing the usual bland romantic comedies. With this movie and his performance in Magic Mike, I'm actually excited to see what he has coming up next.

7

Django Unchained 

With all of the controversy and the "did I just see Jaime Foxx's nutsack" the movie got, I had fun with the over the top bloody goodness. Quentin Tarantino is the only director that could take inspirations for other movies and make something that is fresh and new. Sam Jackson was fucking hilarious as Uncle Ruckus --er, Tom --um Stephen, that's his name. Leonardo DiCpario was intense as Candie. Awesome movie.

6

Silver Linings Playbook 

It took me a while to get this movie. When the Oscar nominations, it was motivation enough to it. I don't know dick about football, but I get why this family are so consumed with the sport and how it relates to their lives. Here is a career defining performance from Bradley Cooper as the emotionally damage Pat. Jen Lawrence was fantastic as an equally damaged young widow. Robert De Niro came back in a big way as Pat Sr.  A non-traditional romance for the people who dislike sappy romantic comdies.

Bottom Ten Films of 2012

I know. I know that I am late to the party, but I follow the same rules as the Academy. Most movies nominated don't come out or go into wide release until January into February. I wanted to see all the films to make my final judgments. Trying to avoid to the awful didn't mean that I didn't see the eventual shitacular assaults to my eyeballs. Here are my bottom ten films of 2012:

 10

The Grey

When I heard the Film Junk tauting this movie as one of the best movies of the year back in June, I wanted to see what the fuss was about. About five minutes into the movie, I knew what was going to happen and the big revelation at the end. There were some fucking annoying characters that I wanted glad became wolf food. I enjoyed their misery the characters went through to make up for mine watching this dreck.

9

Les Misérables

Words cannot describe how much I fucking hated this movie. Not all of the movie, but most of it. Excluding, Anne Hathaway and Samantha Barks, the movie was garbage. I cannot believe that a story about a man doing hard labor for stealing a fucking loaf of bread would be turned into a 2 1/2 hours musical with bland musical numbers Russell Crowe's guttural voice and the mediocre plot. My gay card might be revoked. I don't care.

8

The Bourne Legacy

Call me Miss Cleo, because I was telling Dan from Dan the Man's Movie Reviews that I thought this movie was going to suck elephant balls. I was right. Holy shit! Who wants to see a movie that was a rehash of The Bourne Ultanium but with generic version of Jason Bourne with whatever the fuck his name is. It was dull. So dull that I wanted to rip my fingernails off one by one with rusty pliers.

7

Red Tails

After taking the whole 2011 year off from watching movie, I started off 2012 with watching this bad Hallmark movie that somehow made it to the big screen. Don't get me wrong. I am proud of what the Tuskegee Airmen did in WWII and black pilots in general. It seems that the movie was dripping in so much syrup that you would into diabetic shock. 

6

The Dark Knight Rises

Going into the movie, I did not have the highest of expectations. In this nearly three hour miasma, I was pissed off that people were giving this movie praise. Are you kidding me? Are you high? The plot did not make sense. Christopher Nolan ending the Batman franchise is a good thing so we don't have to sit through another godawful Bruce Wayne flick. Back to the drawing board, Nolan.