Written and directed by Damien Chazelle
Stars: Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone, Rosemarie DeWitt, J.K. Simmons, Terry Walters, Callie Hernandez, Jessica Rothe, Sonoya Mizuno, and John Legend
I have avoided this movie like plague. Too soon for that saying? When a movie is an homage to better movies, I will look at it with a critical eye. This movie. Oh, boy. Be prepared. I am gonna rip this film to shreds.
The movie takes place around a year. Mia (Stone) is an aspiring actress that goes on countless auditions. Sebastian (Gosling) is a jazz pianist-- that's very important-- that wants to open up his own club. They met and have a relationship, blah, blah.
The movie starts with a musical number with people stuck in LA traffic singing about... (collective shrug). I didn't understand why everybody in the film is dressed like a Power Ranger. Monochromatic dresses. All kinds of no.
Chazelle was trying to make a Astaire/Rogers type of musical, but he failed on every level. What was up with the flashy cameras swoops? That shot in the pool that went in a circle faster and faster? Mia and Seb floating at the conservatory? How did this movie win six Oscars?
If you are going to make a musical, have people that could actually sing and dance?! A novel concept! The cringe look on my face when Emma and Ryan were "singing and dancing." Oof! No. Dub them. Holy shit.
The music was fine. By fine, I mean, boring. Side note: I enjoy jazz music. I would rather listen to actual jazz musicians than this. Jazz is not dying as Sebastian said. Jazz is Seb's personality. Seb's character is a pompous, mansplaining hipster jackass. I hated him. So much. Mia was just big eyes. Mia supposedly loves classic movies, but said she never watch "Rebels Without a Cause." Fuck off.
I did not get their "love story." Is it because the script told them to? They are like oil and water. The biggest beats of the movie didn't make sense. They don't have phones? Call each other. No? Oh, the script told them to.
This is like watching a car accident, a train derailment and a plane crash all into one. It was all a cacophony of nonsense sounds. My face was horrified.
Rating: 0/10
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